There was a time when I really hated being in high school. My freshman and sophomore year it seemed like all my friends had been asked to dances, asked out on dates, or at least had some contact with boys. As for me that was a Big Fat ZERO. I literally found myself praying for someone, anyone to like me. All I wanted was a boy to think I was pretty and skinny. I thought it would make me feel good. I wanted it so bad I even got a little depressed, which also affected the things I ate and how I treated my body.
Then finally, what felt like FOREVER, this boy in my math class started walking with me between math and bio. I couldn’t believe it! One day he squeezed my hand right before I was about to break off and go in. He told me he liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked and just smiled at him, then ran into my class.
Robbie and Julz… Robbie and Julz… cute right? I was super excited. Finally everyone would see me in the quad with a guy! I had a date to winter ball! I liked Robbie and enjoyed hanging out at school. Sometimes he would even walk me home. It was nice, but I still felt uncomfortable in my own skin and having Robbie had not changed that.
One day, Robbie told me that he thought I was really pretty. He even used the word “hot.” I remember blushing and looking away. Pretty bairly, but hot, wow! That was so nice of him to say, did he really think that? I certainly didn’t feel “hot”. The thing was, despite being happy with a boyfriend I still didn’t feel pretty. My eating habits had only worsened and I didn’t understand why I continued to feel bad. Wasn’t the boyfriend thing supposed to make me feel good about myself?
I eventually talked to my mom about these feelings and my dilemma. My mom always seems to listen to me, even if she doesn't always say what I want to hear. I am lucky, and I love her for that. I remember her straing straight at me when she said “Sweetheart, there’s a reason it’s called self esteem, you have to find it inside yourself.”
Ok, so yeah, that seems obvious now, why did I think Robbie could give me self esteem? Why did I think having a boyfriend would erase all of my problems?
It took me a while to figure things out. I am not going to lie, it was hard. Luckily, I had my mom to talk to. At some point I told her I wanted to change some things, I decided to start with my eating habits. I wanted to give the whole eating healthy thing a shot and she was right on board. She helped me think about what I could do for myself and eventually I traded in my snacks from Oreos and Wheat Thins for fruit or celery and peanut butter. I had never participated in sports but I also decided to join the track team.
Those changes and my mother’s support made all the difference. I gained confidence and learned to love me for me. I loved how strong I felt. By my senior year that slumpy feeling I used to have was melting away. Now when Robbie tells me I’m beautiful I actually believe it, because I can feel it within myself.