Outside the Gender Box Pt. 4

By Skylar, TeenSource Guest Blogger

Rules of Respect

Welcome back to OUTside the Gender Box. Previously, we discussed basic terms and definitions. However, there is a lot more to understanding transgender people than just understanding the concept of being transgender. There is certain etiquette that will show that you understand and care about transgender issues. The main theme behind all of these guidelines is the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Transgender people are just that: people. A little understanding will go a long way.

Trigger Warning: Small mention of transphobic slurs (censored) and hate crimes.

So, let’s get started on this list.

  • Think about how you would feel about certain questions. There are some questions that make transgender people very uncomfortable. For example, asking a transgender person about their birth name, or about their life before coming out as transgender, can bring up gender dysphoria. Asking a trans* person about their genitals, chest, or other body parts is just outright rude, along with the gender dysphoria that can follow. I doubt that you would want someone asking about parts of your body that really aren’t their business. On a related note, most transgender people don’t want to become a friendly neighborhood encyclopedia for everything trans*. It becomes overwhelming, and sometimes they’ll need a break. Don’t overload them with questions constantly. Essentially, empathize.

  • Respect trans* people’s pronouns, titles, and names. A transgender person may want you to use pronouns that are different than the ones they used before. A trans* woman will likely want you to start saying “she” instead of “he.” A nonbinary person may want you to use the singular “they,” or a nontraditional gender neutral pronoun. A trans* man will likely prefer to be referred to as your brother, or boyfriend, or husband, as opposed to your sister, or girlfriend, or wife. A transgender person may also want you to use a different name than the one they used before. This isn’t a new nickname: this is a new, real name.

  • Respect trans* people’s presentation and/or transition. Some transgender people may choose not to legally, medically, or socially transition. Saying that a trans* person is not really trans* because they don’t choose to transition is the same as saying someone who has a crooked nose absolutely has to get it fixed with plastic surgery. On a similar note, some trans* people do not dress in a way that one would expect a trans* person to dress. Some trans* men will dress in women’s clothes (like some cis men), and some trans* women will dress in men’s clothes (like some cis women.) These choices are worthy of respect. No one is being hurt by a trans* person not conforming to society’s expectations about gender.

  • Keep secrets confidential. If someone comes out to you as transgender, you have to know how to keep a secret. No one wants to have a secret spilled, but there’s more to it than that. Trans* people can be killed as part of a hate crime and we continue to be stigmatized from “mainstream” society. Your friend or loved one’s life could depend on confidentiality.

  • Do NOT use slurs. Just like you wouldn’t use a racial slur, you shouldn’t call a transgender person a “tr*nny”, “sh*male”, or any other slurs that can be thought of. This is dehumanizing, and often terrifying.

Remembering these five points and putting them into practice will make members of the trans* community and allies feel a lot more comfortable around you. It may seem like a lot to remember, but remembering could make a big difference in someone’s life!