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Get weekly sex info and life advice sent to you for free! You can also find the nearest clinic to you for low to no cost sexual health services, if you enter your zip code. Standard rates apply, it’s just like texting your friends. In April 2009, CFHC and ISIS launched an sexual health text messaging service for teens called The Hookup. Each week we’ll post the new tip with some places to check out for more info, so come back again soon and see what's up with the Hookup!

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Tips from 2010

Read all at the great Hookup tips from 2010.

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It may seem like everyone's doing it, but only 50% of high school teens are having sex.

In a national survey, researchers found that only half of all high school students are having sex, which goes against the image we see in TV and movies, where it seems like everyone is doing it. Sometimes it seems like everyone you know is having sex, but remember, definitely not everyone is doing it, and sometimes people exaggerate or even lie about their actions.

Growing up involves a lot of tough choices, and a lot of people look to their friends or peers to help them decide what to do, rather than thinking on their own. To have sex or not have sex is a big decision for every person, whether you are in high school or not. You do not have to live up to the ideal teenager you see in the media, because it doesn’t really exist. Don’t let outside pressures influence your decisions.

HIV doesn’t discriminate. Everyone should get tested at least once.

The only way you can be sure you don’t have HIV is to get tested. 

Getting tested may seem scary, but not knowing your status is scarier! Over 1.1 million people in the United States are living with HIV/AIDS, but that number is based on people who have been tested - the actual number is probably higher because not everyone get’s tested.

The reason why you need to get tested for this and other STIs (sexually transmitted infections) is that most infections do not show symptoms for quite some time.  In the case of HIV, it takes a while, sometime even years, for symptoms of HIV to show up in a human body.

We know much more about how to treat the HIV infection to make life better and last longer for people with the infection.

  • Anti-retroviral medicines strengthen the immune system, to prolong life.
  • Changes in diet, exercise and other behaviors can positively affect health.
  • Use of non western medicine such as acupuncture and homeopathy can treat ailments.

However, there is still no cure for HIV and you can’t start treatment unless you know your status.  

Scared of the test? It’s a pretty simple. You will speak to a health care professional about your risk- your activities that may make you more or less likely to contract HIV Then you will take the test. There are a few different kinds of test, it depends on the clinic which type you will receive.

  • Blood test: A quick draw of blood either from your finger or from your vein. 
  • Oral Swab: A swab around the inside of your check which collects cells which are then tested for the HIV virus. 
  • Rapid test: sometimes blood, sometimes cheek cells, this type of test gives you quick results in 20 minutes. You will take a second test to confirm results if you get a positive.

Don’t know where to get tested? Use our clinic finder if you’re in the state of California, or google search “HIV testing” along with your zip code.

Want more information? Check out our STD Page on HIV.

On the pill, shot or patch? You still need condoms to protect against STDs.

While the hormones in these methods stop you from getting pregnant, they will not stop you from getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).  Male and female condoms will help protect you from getting and giving some kinds of STIs. When used correctly, male condoms are nearly 99.99% effective at preventing transmission of an STI such as Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and HIV from one person to another.

Many people know how to use condoms in some ways, but not always in the best ways so they don’t break of slip off the penis. Remember these facts:

  • Make sure the condom wrapper has no holes or tears, and it is not past the expiration date.
  • Open up the wrapper carefully using your fingers - no scissors or teeth, because that could break the condom.
  • Press out the air in the tip on the condom, leaving a little (dime sized or so) room for the ejaculate (cum). Place the tip of the condom on the penis then carefully roll it down to the end of the penis.
  • The penis must be taken out of the vagina or anus while it is still somewhat hard.  If the penis gets soft when in the vagina or anus, the semen will spill out of the condom into the vagina or anus. It will also fall off the penis. Either way, the other person’s body now has semen in it. 
  • When taking the penis out of the vagina, the condom must be held in place so it won’t fall off in the vagina or anus.
  • Be sure the condom is put far away so that no one gets the semen on them.
  • Use a lubricant during sex if the vaginal or anal area feels dry. This can stop the condom from breaking. It can also make sex comfortable for the other person.

Want to know more? TeenSource has articles on Male Condoms.

A baby? Be in charge of whether & when you become a parent.

Whether it’s the first time, second time, or anytime, having sex can lead to a pregnancy.   

If you’re not ready for a baby, you can reduce your chance of pregnancy by correctly using a method of birth control consistently and correctly.  There are many different kinds of birth control and you can decide which method is best for you.  The condom is the only method of birth control that also protects against STDs.  You can use a condom together with a hormonal method of birth control to reduce your chances of a pregnancy even more. 

For example, some teens choose:

  • Birth control pills + condom
  • Birth control shot + condom
  • Birth control ring + condom

 

Remember!  You should never use two condoms at once because the friction of them rubbing together can cause them to break! 

Each method of birth control has advantages and disadvantages so talking with someone at a clinic can help you decide which is the best method for you and your partner.    

A baby? Be in charge of whether & when you become a parent.

Whether it’s the first time, second time, or anytime, having sex can lead to a pregnancy.   

If you’re not ready for a baby, you can reduce your chance of pregnancy by correctly using a method of birth control consistently and correctly.  There are many different kinds of birth control and you can decide which method is best for you.  The condom is the only method of birth control that also protects against STDs.  You can use a condom together with a hormonal method of birth control to reduce your chances of a pregnancy even more. 

For example, some teens choose:

  • Birth control pills + condom
  • Birth control shot + condom
  • Birth control ring + condom

Remember!  You should never use two condoms at once because the friction of them rubbing together can cause them both to break! 

Each method of birth control has advantages and disadvantages so talking with someone at a clinic can help you decide which is the best method for you and your partner.    

Anal sex can’t get u pregnant but its more dangerous for HIV

“Is anal sex ‘safe sex’?”

No!

Some teens think of anal sex as ‘safe sex’ because you are less likely to get pregnant than with vaginal sex.  The truth is that STDs can easily be passed during unprotected anal sex.  The anus doesn’t produce natural wetness (lubrication) like the vagina does and so can easily get small tears in it during anal sex.  These small tears make it very easy to pass some STD’s into the person’s body (like HIV!).

Because of this, it’s very important to use a lubricated condom each and every time you have anal sex.  You can also use additional lubricant to condoms to help prevent tears. You can get lubricated condoms at the grocery store, drug store, some gas stations and at a clinic near you. You can also get testing and treatment information for HIV and other STDs at the clinic.

By age 21, ALL women need a Pap test to check for cervical cancer. Talk to a Doctor.

Cervical cancer is caused by the HPV virus. Over 50% of all people in the US who are sexually active will be exposed to the HPV virus. Each year, about 12,000 women get cervical cancer in the U.S. By getting a pap test, your health care provider will know if you are at risk for cervical cancer, and can get you treatment early on.

So what is a pap test?

A pap test is when a clinician checks for abnormal cells inside a woman. The clinician will have you lie on your back and use an instrument that looks like a duck bill to open up the vulva and vagina, making enough room to insert a thin q-tip like device. You might feel a little bit of cramping, but remember to breathe slowly and calmly as that will relax your body and make it go faster. The device will collect cells by wiping a few cells off the cervix. It takes less than one minute typically. After that, the clinician will have the cells tested for abnormalities. It can feel a bit awkward and embarrassing, but it’s totally worth it to know your status.

Want more info and some common questions answered? Check out Planned Parenthood’s page on pap tests.

Condom broke? U can get EC @ a pharmacy w/o seeing a dr if ur 17+

Did the condom break or did you have sex without using a method of birth control?

Emergency contraception which is known as “EC” or the “morning after pill” can help prevent pregnancy after you have sex.  It contains the same kinds of medication that are in regular birth control pills.  If you are 16 or younger or don’t have money to buy ECs, you can get ECs free at a clinic.

If you are 17 or older, in California you can get it without a prescription from your local pharmacy.  Call ahead or check this website EC-Help.org to make sure your local pharmacy carries EC. 

When should you take Emergency Contraception?

As soon as possible! The sooner you take it, the better it works to prevent pregnancy.  It can be taken up to 5 days after unprotected sex.  It works the best to prevent pregnancy if taken within 24 hours after unprotected sex.  This is why it is good to get EC in advance so it can be taken if and when it is needed.

Learn more about Emergency Contraception:

Do u go 2 pharmacies 4 gum, hairspray, mags? What abt sexual health Q’s? Pharmacists can help.

Do you ever go to your neighborhood pharmacy for stuff you need like gum, hairspray or magazines?  How about a grocery store that has a pharmacy?   

If you do and ever have questions about condoms or other methods of birth control like pills, the patch, the ring, or Emergency Contraception (the ‘morning after’ pill), pharmacists can be a big help.  They can tell you how to use them correctly and some of the things you might expect when using them.   

If you’re looking for things that you don’t need a prescription for like condoms, lubricant (lube) or tampons, the pharmacist can help you find them and tell you how to use them correctly.  If you’re 17 or older, you can get Emergency Contraception (EC) from your pharmacist without a prescription.  If you’re under 17, you can still get EC with a prescription – ask your pharmacist! 

Had unprotected sex? Test for HIV now + again in 3 mos.

HIV is the virus that causes AIDS.  You can’t tell who has HIV just by looking at them.  If you’ve had unprotected sex with someone, it’s important to get tested for HIV.  This is because if you have HIV, you should start treatment right away.  Early treatment helps people live long, healthy lives.   Even if you don’t have any money, you can get free treatment.

“When is the best time to get tested for HIV?” 

It can take up to 3 months from the time you had sex with someone for the test to show HIV. This means that for the test to be most accurate, you need to take it 3 months after the last time you had unprotected sex.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to get an HIV test, including your parents, guardians, boyfriend or girlfriend.  Your tests results will be confidential. This means that no one at the clinic where you get tested can tell your family member or any friend that you had a test. 

Herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea = STDs that often don't show; Get tested to know.

When you are sexually active, you should get tested every six months to make sure you have not contracted any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

STDs are very common in the United States. About 1.2 million chlamydia cases and 350,000 gonorrhea cases are reported by the Centers for Disease Control each year, and the majority are among young people. Further, at least 70% of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives.

Many common STDs have no symptoms, so you can’t always tell if you have one or not! Three-quarters of women and half of men with Chlamydia infections don’t have any symptoms at all.

If you have an STD and don’t get treatment, you could pass it around to other people without realizing it.  That’s why you need to get checked regularly. Thankfully getting an STD test is pretty easy. For more info on getting tested, check out Planned Parenthood’s quick facts page.

Have more questions about STD’s or how to Find a clinic? Check out links to our site for more info:

If having sex hurts, see a dr; u might have an infection.

If having sex hurts, see a dr; u might have an infection.

Some people don’t know they have an STD because they don’t have any signs or symptoms at all.  Some people do get symptoms.  Some of the common symptoms of STDs are:

  • Pain or burning when you pee
  • Pain or burning when you have sex
  • Bumps, blisters or sores on the penis or around the vagina or anus
  • Fluid coming out of the penis or vagina that looks or smells differently than it normally does

If you have any of these symptoms, get tested right away.  You can go to your doctor or to a teen-friendly clinic near you.   If they do find that you have an STD, you can treatment at the clinic too.  If left untreated, STDs can cause serious health problems so it’s important to get treatment right away!

If ur pregnant, you have choices. Txt CLINIC + ur zipcode to find a local clinic with trusted people you can talk to.

“If I’m pregnant, what can I do?” 

You can stay pregnant and become a parent, place the baby for adoption, or end the pregnancy by having an abortion.

The earlier you know that you're pregnant, the more choices you have so you should take a pregnancy test right away if you think you might be pregnant.  If you want to have the baby, you can get prenatal care to stay healthy and have a healthy baby.  Or if you decide you want to have an abortion, it's easier early in the pregnancy. 

If ur under 17 and need EC, text CLINIC + ur zipcode 4 a clinic that can help u.

Did the condom break or did you have sex without using a method of birth control?

Emergency contraception which is known as “EC” or the “morning after pill” can help prevent pregnancy after you have sex.  It contains the same kinds of medication that are in regular birth control pills.  If you are 16 or younger or don’t have money to buy ECs, you can get ECs free at a clinic. Find a Clinic on TeenSource.org

If you are 17 or older, in California you can get it without a prescription from your local pharmacy.  Call ahead or check this website EC-Help.org to make sure your local pharmacy carries EC. 

When should you take Emergency Contraception?

As soon as possible! The sooner you take it, the better it works to prevent pregnancy.  It can be taken up to 5 days after unprotected sex.  It works the best to prevent pregnancy if taken within 24 hours after unprotected sex.  This is why it is good to get EC in advance so it can be taken if and when it is needed.

Learn more about Emergency Contraception:

If your doctor doesn’t talk abt sex, find a doctor who will.

Some doctors give great information about sex and your health, but unfortunately, not all doctors feel okay talking with teens about sex.  In California, it’s your right as a teen to get all your questions answered and the health services you need without anyone’s permission. 

This includes:

  • Birth control including emergency contraception (sometimes called ‘EC’ or the ‘morning-after’ pill)
  • Testing and/or treatment for STIs/STDs
  • Pregnancy testing and prenatal care
  • Abortion services
  • HIV/AIDS testing and treatment

If your doctor doesn’t feel okay talking about sex, find a doctor who will.  You can find a clinic near you with health care providers with special training in working with teens.  You don’t need anyone’s permission including your parents or guardians, or your boyfriend or girlfriend.  Your visit to the clinic will be confidential which means that the clinic or doctor can’t tell anyone you were there- unless you say it’s okay. But if you say that you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting someone else or someone is hurting you, a doctor may have to talk to someone to make sure you get the help you need. 

It’s the law. U don’t need permission from anyone 2 get birth control.

Do you want to get a method of birth control to help protect you and your partner from an unplanned pregnancy?

Clinics have lots of different birth control methods. They can give you the information you need to choose which one is best for you.  You don’t need anyone’s permission including your parents or guardians to get a method at a clinic.  Your visit to the clinic will be confidential which means that the people at the clinic won’t tell anyone you were there unless you say it’s okay.  But if you say that you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting someone else or someone is hurting you, a doctor may have to talk to someone to make sure you get the help you need. 

Remember- the only method of birth control that also helps to protect against STDs are the male and female condoms.  You can get condoms without anyone’s permission from grocery stores, corner stores, and pharmacies.  There’s no age limit for buying condoms- anyone can buy them.

Learn more about your health care rights as a teen:

It’s the truth! You can get pregnant your 1st time or on your period.

“Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?”

YES! You can get pregnant the first time you have sex!! It doesn’t matter if it is the first time, second time, or any time, if you have sex without using birth control, you can get pregnant.

Can you get pregnant even if you don’t have vaginal sex?

YES! If a guy’s semen (cum) is anywhere near your vaginal opening, sperm can swim up inside your body and cause a pregnancy.

“Can you get pregnant if you have sex on your period?”

YES! It is possible for a teen to become pregnant if she has sex while on her period!!  This is because an egg can come out of her ovary close to her period. If she has sex during her period, sperm may be able to live up to a few days and be able to get to the egg to cause a pregnancy. There is no completely “safe” time a teen can have sex and guarantee that she won’t become pregnant.

You can lower your risk of pregnancy by using a method of birth control consistently and correctly.  The only method of birth control that also helps protect against STDs is the condom which you can use together with the birth control pill, the depo-provera shot or another hormonal method. 

Know the risks: An STD now can mean u can’t have babies later.

STDs are very common among teenagers.  But, you can’t tell if someone has an STD by looking at them.  Some STDs have symptoms like bumps, sores, pain while peeing or abnormal discharge. But some don’t have any symptoms or if they do, they may difficult to see or feel. Many teens don’t know they have an STD until they have a test.

If you find out you have an STD, you can get treatment (medicine) at the clinic as well. The treatment is usually free.  It’s important to get treatment as soon as possible because some STDs can cause very serious health problems unless medicine is taken right away.  Some of these serious health problems are not being able to have babies and certain kinds of cancer.

Learn more about different STDs, how you can get them or give them to other people and how you can help protect yourself and others from getting an STD.

Know the risks: HPV is common; 8/10 people who have sex will get it at least once.

HPV is a non-curable but treatable sexually transmitted infection. HPV has many different strands, which means it can have different effects on your body - some people may develop genital warts, others may develop cervical cancer, other people may not develop anything from it at all.

Most clinics do not test for HPV, but rather test for cells exposed to cervical cancer with a pap smear. For more information on getting a pap test, check out our last Hookup Tip on the subject.

The best way to avoid HPV is to prevent the infection in the first place! You can practice abstinence, use condoms, and talk to your partner about potential risks.

For more information, talk to your health care provider or check out the HPV page on TeenSource.

Lube Lube Lube! Dry condoms can break & make u sore. Ouch!

“What is lube?”

Lube or “lubricant” is a water-based, slippery liquid that can be used to help make vaginal or anal sex comfortable, especially when you are using condoms.

Many condoms are already “lubricated” and it will say that on the package.  If a condom is not already lubricated, or if it starts to dry out during sex, it can rub against you or your partner’s vagina, anus or penis and cause discomfort or pain.  This can also cause a condom to break.

You can add lube to condoms that aren’t pre-lubricated to lubricate them.  You can also add lube to pre-lubricated condoms to make them more slippery if you like.  The condom is also less likely to break if it is lubricated!  So…use lube! Don’t put lube inside a condom. This can cause it to fall off a guy’s penis during sex.

You can buy lube- it’s usually found next to the condoms at the grocery store or pharmacy.  You can also get it at clinics where they have condoms.

Important things to remember about lube:

  1. Only use WATER-based lubricants such as KY Jelly or Astroglide brands. 
  2. Never use anything oil-based on a condom (such as Vaseline, baby oil, body lotion, or vegetable oils) because the oil causes condoms to break!

For more information about lube and how to use it…read on!

Mouth blisters can be herpes. You can get it thru kissing or oral sex.

Herpes is a common STD caused by a virus.  It can be spread:

  • mouth to mouth through kissing
  • through vaginal, anal and oral sex

If can even be spread just by touching the herpes sore.  Some symptoms of herpes include painful blisters or “cold sores” on the mouth, penis and vaginal areas, buttocks or anus.  The symptoms will go away over time. They can come back again at any time. This is because the virus stays in the body.  It is very easy for someone to get the herpes virus from another person when blisters or sores are present. The virus can still be passed to another person even when they don’t have any blisters, sores or pain.  Sometimes the symptoms are mild and people don’t know that they have herpes.

You can find out if you have the herpes virus by having a clinician test the fluid from the sores or blisters. If you don’t have any sores or blisters but you think you may have gotten herpes from someone, you can find out if you have herpes by having a blood test.  While there is no cure for the herpes virus, there is medicine that can be prescribed that can help to control the symptoms.  You can also help control symptoms if you take good care of yourself. Eat well, get plenty of rest, and don’t drink or smoke. Taking a multivitamin every day can help as well.

If you're in California, you can find a clinic where you can get tested for the herpes virus by using the TeenSource Find a Clinic Search

To learn more about herpes and how to reduce the risk of transmission:

New bf/gf? Know you’re both in the clear before you have sex: Get tested for STDs.

Many teens with a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) don’t know they have one because they might not notice any different changes in their body (like warts, sores, itchiness, abnormal discharge, or pain with urination). 

Even if someone doesn’t think they have an STD, they still can pass it on to another person.  STDs can be passed through vaginal, anal, or oral sex.  Some STDS are passed through intimate skin-to-skin contact (ex: herpes, HPV, and pubic lice) and the herpes virus can also be passed from mouth to mouth.

Because some STDs can be passed on just be kissing or skin contact, even if someone says they haven’t had “sex” yet, it is possible that they could have gotten an STD from someone.  This means that, even if your new boyfriend or girlfriend says they are a “virgin,” that doesn’t guarantee that they don’t have an STD. 

STDs have become common among teenagers and affect teens of all ages from all different backgrounds.  You can’t tell who might have an STD by looking at them.

You can lower your risk of getting or passing an STD by getting you and your partner checked for STDs at a clinic near you before you have any intimate contact. (Find a clinic in California.)

If you discover that you or your partner does have an STD, you can get treatment at the clinic as well.  It’s important to get treatment as soon as possible because some STDs can cause very serious health problems unless they are treated.

You can also lower your chances of getting an STD by using a barrier method like a male or female condom each and every time you have vaginal or anal sex.  A male condom can be used for oral sex with a guy.  A dental dam can be used with oral sex with a girl.  STDs that are passed by skin touching skin won’t be prevented by condoms if the infected area of the body can’t be covered with a condom. Because a condom can break or fall off, if you are thinking about having sex with someone who has an STD, don’t! Wait until it is treated before having sex with that person.

Not all clinics test for all STDs. Ask ?? to know what you're tested for.

When you go to a clinic for an STD test, make sure to find out what tests you’ll be receiving. Not all clinics test for all STDs and not all STD tests may be necessary for you!

Since most STDs have no symptoms, if you are sexually active you need to get tested every six months to make sure you don’t have an infection without knowing it. Many STDs can be treated, but you need to know what you have in order to get appropriate treatment.

The following easy steps will help keep you safe:

  1. Talk to your health provider about your level of risk and what tests are right for you. 
  2. Ask what they are testing for. If you want to get tested for anything else, ask!
  3. Make a plan about how to get your test results.

Want more STD facts? TeenSource is your source for info on Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Find a clinic in California.

Penises come in all shapes and sizes. Learn how to safely use your tool.

“Is my penis normal?”

Lots of guys worry about the size of their penis.   The truth is that, just like our other body parts, penises come in different shapes, sizes and colors.  Some hang to the left.  Some hang to the right.  Some are small when they are soft (flaccid) and some are larger.  The size when the penis is soft doesn’t mean it is that size when it is hard (erect). In fact, most guys no matter how small or large when soft, will be about the same size when hard by the time they have completely finished puberty.

Guys usually begin to go through puberty anywhere between the ages of 9 and 18. This means guys bodies will grow larger at different rates including the penis! The average penis length for fully grown adult men is around 5 to 7 inches when hard.

What is important to know is that as you are growing through puberty and even later in life, be sure to go to a doctor if at any time you have  discomfort or pain, bumps, discharge  or odor from your penis. This is also true if you have pain, swelling, or a lump in your balls (testicles).  You could have an infection. Some guys also can also get testicular cancer. If it is caught early, it can be very well treated.

“Is bigger better?”

Is it true that bigger is better? NO! The size of a guy’s penis doesn’t determine how well he gives or receives pleasure during sex.  Everybody has different likes and dislikes when they are being touched, kissed and having sex. Talking with your partner and sharing what you both like can help you have a very special sexual time.  And of course, getting checked for STDs and correctly using a condom each and every time you have sex can help lower your risk for unintended pregnancy and/or STDs.

More information:

Piercings can get infected and cause scarring. Go to a professional to get it done right.

There are many different ways to express your personal style: through the clothes you wear, your hairstyle, your music, your hobbies, even the ringtone on your phone.  Some teens choose to express themselves with body jewelry like rings, necklaces, earrings, belly rings, etc. 

If you’re thinking about a body piercing, make sure to do your homework first.  Here are a couple tips to get you started:

  • Never pierce yourself or let a friend pierce you.  There are serious risks associated with piercing your body with unclean needles such as infection, Hepatitis B or C, tetanus or HIV so make sure you go to a professional establishment with clean and sterilized tools and needles.
  • Some metals in body jewelry can cause allergic reactions in some people.  Choose non-toxic metal s that are less likely to cause allergic reaction such as implant-grade stainless steel.
  • Follow your after-care instructions to prevent infection such as keeping your piercing clean with antibacterial soap and water and washing your hands before touching it.  Antibacterial soap can be bought in any grocery store or drug store. The after-care instructions will be specific to the part of the body that is being pierced so speak with the professional who did the piercing to find out the best way to prevent infection. AND read the articles at the end of this tip!
  • Get medical attention if you suspect infection (the area gets red, sore, swollen, warm to touch) or if you think your piercing isn’t healing properly.

If you’re still curious, read on!  These articles are full of great information for teens who are thinking about getting a body piercing…

Ready for sex? Only u know. Take ur time. Talk 2 ur partner.

“Am I ready for sex?” 

Great question!  Only you can answer it but taking your time to think about it and talking it over with people you trust, including your partner, can help you to make a decision that is right for you.   

Before you’re ready to have sex, you should be aware of the potential risks and consequences and be prepared to protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancy. You should also have talked to your partner about your feelings, concerns and plans for birth control and STD protection. 

Here are 10 questions you might want to consider to help you make your decision.  And remember, you can always change your mind and make a different decision in the future…

  1. Do I feel ready to have a sex with someone?  Is anyone (boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, etc.) pressuring me to do something I’m not ready to do?
  2. What are my values about sex?  When do I feel that it’s a good time for people to have sex?  When they’re dating? When they’re in love?  When they’re married?
  3. What would my family feel about me having sex?  What are my religious values about sex (if you belong to a religion)?
  4. How do I think I might feel after I have sex?
  5. How do I think our relationship might change after we have sex? 
  6. Can I talk with my partner about sex?  Are we on the same page about things?
  7. Do I know how to protect myself from STDs? (Information on STDs)
  8. How would I feel if I became pregnant or if I got my partner pregnant? (Pregnancy Options)
  9. Do I know where to get birth control and what method would be best for me and my partner? (Methods of Birth Control)
  10. Do we have everything on hand we need to reduce our chances of unwanted pregnancy and STDs?  Are we prepared? (Find a clinic near you)

More Information

Stay sharp! Sharing needles 4 drugs or tattooing spreads HIV and hepatitis.

Some very serious sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can be passed to other people through blood.  One of the main ways this happens is by sharing needles for drugs, tattooing or body piercing. 

Two of the STDs that can be passed by sharing needles are HIV and Hepatitis.  HIV is the virus that causes AIDS and Hepatitis is a virus that permanently damages the liver.  You never know who might have HIV or Hepatitis because they usually won’t have any signs or symptoms that you can see.  

Never share needles for taking drugs, tattooing or body piercing.  You can’t tell if a needle is dirty just by looking at it.  Always get any body piercing or tattooing done in a professional, clean business that uses sterile needles.  “Sterile” means that it’s been professionally cleaned so that it doesn’t have any viruses, bacteria, or other germs on it that could make you sick.   

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To have or have not? Sex is a risky decision with big consequences. Get the facts!

There are a lot of different things to consider when you when you think about having sex. You will need to check in with how you feel physically and emotionally, what your partner is feeling and how your relationship might change if you choose to have sex.

A few key things to remember:

More links about deciding about sex, being ready and talking to your partner.

U can get herpes, warts w/o sex: just rubbing genitals w/ some1 can spread em.

You can get an STD like herpes or the HPV virus without even having sex!  Some STDs, like the viruses that cause genital herpes and genital warts, can be passed to another person by "skin-to-skin contact."  This is when your genitals (penis, testicles, vagina) or the skin around them touches someone else’s genitals.

Sometimes a person with genital herpes or warts will have blisters, bumps or sores near or on their genitals, but sometimes they won’t have any at all!  Genital herpes and warts can still be passed to someone even if they don’t have any herpes or warts that you can see.  Sometimes the blisters, bumps or sores come and go but the virus still stays in the body. When this happens, it’s still possible to pass the STD to another person.

Condoms are great at helping to lower chances of passing some STDs like Gonorrhea, Chlamydia and HIV.  But, you can still get some STDs "skin-to-skin," like herpes and warts, even when you use a condom.  Because of this, it’s important to talk with your partner about blisters, bumps or sores either of you have had in the past, avoid touching them or having any kind of sex if you see them, and get tested for STDs at a clinic.

U can’t get pregnant from oral sex, but u can get STDs. Talk 2 ur dr.

“Is oral sex safe?”

Oral sex is when someone uses his or her mouth to pleasure their partner’s genitals (penis, testicles, vagina)or anus.  It is sometimes called a “blow job,” “going down,” “eating out,” or “rimming.”  It’s true that you can’t get pregnant from oral sex, but you can get or give some STDs by having oral sex.  STDs can be passed from mouth to genitals or from genitals to mouth.  Some of the STDs that can be passed through oral sex are: herpes, gonorrhea, HIV, hepatitis B and syphilis. 

STDs are passed during oral sex by skin-to-skin contact or by coming into contact with body fluids.  You can lower your chances of passing an STD through oral sex by using a latex barrier between the mouth and genitals or anus.

There are a few ways to do this:

  1. If you are going to put your mouth on your partner’s penis (a “blow job”), use a condom!  Use a non-lubricated condom or a flavored condom.  You can also buy flavored lube to put on unlubricated condoms.
  2. If you are going to put your mouth on a partner’s vulva (the area around the vagina) or on an anus, use a dental dam, a Sheer Glyde dam, or cut a condom open into a square.  You can put flavored lube on these as well!

You can get condoms, flavored lube and dams at clinics, some pharmacies and some grocery stores.

You can always talk with your doctor or a health professional at a clinic about questions about sex and how to keep yourself healthy.

Vaginas are like snowflakes. No two are the same! Each is beautiful.

“Am I normal?”

Lots of girls and women wonder if their vaginal opening and the parts around the vaginal opening look normal.  The vaginal opening is where menstrual blood comes out of the body. The name for the vaginal opening, vaginal lips, clitoris and area where the public hair grows is called the vulva.  It also includes the very small opening above the vaginal opening where urine leaves the body. It is called the urethral opening. http://www.plannedparenthood.org/teen-talk/body-mind/anatomy/vulva-an-owners-manual-25172.htm

The truth is that vulvas, just like faces, are unique!  No two girls’ vulvas look alike and there is no one “normal” way for one to look.  The shape and size and scent of a vulva can change as a girl goes through puberty.   Some girls have vaginal lips and clitorises that they consider large or small. The shape of vaginal lips and amount of pubic hair will be different. It doesn’t matter what size, color, or shape they are; they are all normal and perfect just as they are.

What is important to know is that should you ever experience any pain, discomfort, itching, sores, bumps, discharge, bleeding or unusual smells anywhere in your vulva, see a health care provider as they might be the sign of an infection.  You can even get an infection if you never have had sex.  Sometimes a very simple medicine will take care of the problem.

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You can always say no to sex. And you can always change your mind.

Having sex is a big decision. Just because you have had sex in the past does not mean you need to have sex again.  Remember that you are the person in charge of your body, your mind and your heart, and you are the only one who can make sure the decisions you make are right for you.

The best way to ensure health for you and your partner is to make sure you really think about the situation before you take any action. Ask yourself:

  • How will this affect me?
  • How will it affect the way I view myself?
  • How will it affect my relationship?

Once you’re comfortable with your answers, you will need to make sure your partner is on the same page. It can be a little uncomfortable at first to have open and honest communication on needs and expectations, but it will probably lead both of you to feel better about the situation in the end.

Need more advice? Check out these links:

Tips from 2009

See all the tips that went out in 2009.

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When the Nuva ring is put into the vagina it releases meds that prevent pregnancy.

The contraceptive ring (brand name ‘Nuva’ ring) is a thin, flexible, plastic ring that a woman wears inside the vagina to keep from getting pregnant. A woman can’t feel it inside her. Most men can’t feel it either.  It is called the once a method because a new ring is used once every month.  It comes in one size that works for most women. The ring has two hormones in it: estrogen and progestin. The hormones slowly go into the woman's body through the skin in her vagina.

The ring works to prevent pregnancy. But it does not protect against HIV and other STDs. If you are having sex with someone who might give you a sexually transmitted infection, use a condom.

Some medicines may keep the ring from working as well. If you see a doctor for any reason, tell the doctor that you are using the ring.

Advantages

  • The ring is very good at preventing pregnancy.
  • You only have to put the ring in once a month.
  • The ring does not interrupt having sex.
  • The ring may make periods lighter and less "crampy".
  • The ring may make acne better.
  • The ring helps protect against cancer of the ovary and cancer of the uterus.
  • The ring does not cause any serious health problems in most women.

Get more information about the contraceptive ring, including possible side effects and warning signs.

Even w/ a steady bf/gf use a condom. U never know what they’re up to.

Protecting yourself is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in a relationship. Understandably, it can be very hurtful to learn that your partner has exposed you to an STD if they’ve cheated on you, or were dishonest with you about their STD history. Getting tested before a new partner, and after each partner is very important – for you, and for the next person you have sex with.

You should always protect yourself by using condoms, it doesn’t matter whether you’re having oral, anal or vaginal sex.

You should always talk with your partner about STD testing and your STD history before having sex. If you’re unsure of how to talk about sex and STDs, click here.

The HPV vaccine can keep girls from getting warts & cervical cancer. Ask ur doctor.

Genital warts (caused by the virus HPV, or ‘human papilloma virus’) are small, often painless bumps in or round the vagina, penis, or anus. You get HPV by having sex with someone who has the virus.

HPV is spread by having vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Even if the warts go away or are removed, the virus stays in your body and can be spread to others.

HPV can be prevented with the HPV vaccine. The vaccine to protect you from HPV is for girls and women who:

  • Are 9 to 26 years of age
  • Have not yet had sex
  • Have had sex, but do not have HPV
  • The test for HPV is simple and painless.

If a woman has the kind of HPV that causes genital warts, she may also have another kind of HPV that causes cervical cancer. Any woman who has had genital warts should have a Pap smear at least once a year to check for cervical cancer.

Learn more about HPV and cervical cancer on Teensource.org.

1 in 4 teens has STDs & most don’t know. Could be u! Get tested!

STDs are sexually transmitted infections that can be spread by contact with someone’s skin, mouth, penis, vagina or anus that is infected. Half of all new sexually transmitted infections happen in people under age 25. Each year, 1 in 4 teens gets an STD. 1 in 2 sexually active teens will get an STD by the time they are 25. Now is the time to get educated and protect yourself.

Think you know everything? Think again!

“You have to have sexual intercourse (vaginal penetration) to get an STD.”

WRONG. You can get some STDs through skin contact alone (herpes and genital warts). Condoms can protect those areas covered by the condom, but not skin around the vaginal opening and areas near the penis where infected areas may be.

“You can’t get an STD from oral or anal sex.”

WRONG. You can get an STD from oral and anal sex.

“If my partner ‘looks’ clean, he or she must be clean.”

WRONG. Some STDs have no symptoms, and show no signs of infection. Some people with STDs don’t know that they have them.

Did you know?

  • The younger you start having sex, the more likely you are to get an STD.
  • The more partners you have, the more likely you will get an STD. It doesn’t matter whether you’re having sexual intercourse, oral sex or naked rubbing.
  • Having unprotected sex puts you at high risk of getting an STD. Male and female condoms protect against many STDs, but not all. Birth control, spermicides, and diaphragms only prevent pregnancy.
  • You can get more than one STD at a time.
  • You can get the same STD more than once.

You can get an STD from kissing, oral sex, anal sex and sexual intercourse.  You can also get an STD if your vaginal area or penis touches someone else’s vaginal area or penis (naked rubbing).  For more information on what STDs you can get from different sexual activity, click here.

Talk to ur parents or other adults about sex. They’ve been there.

Many teens have found that it can be a big help to talk to their parents about sex and health. Because your parents know you so well, they can give you advice that is best for you and answer your questions in a really personal way.

  • It may not be easy to start the conversation. Here’s a few ideas you can use to make it easier.
  • Pick when your parents can give you their full attention.
  • Bring up the topic in a way that shows you value what your parents have to say.
  • Repeat in your own words the important parts of what they’ve said, to make sure you’ve understood.
  • The important thing is to keep communication open.

You need answers.

Before you mix birth control pills w/other meds, talk to ur doctor.

If you see a doctor for any reason, tell the doctor that you are using birth control. Some medicines may keep your birth control from working as well. If you need to take one of these medicines, you may need to use a back up method of pregnancy prevention, like condoms, until you finish the medication. Your doctor will tell you if this is necessary.

Think ur clear if you don’t have symptoms? Most STDs don’t show. Get tested.

STDs are infections that people usually get by having sex with someone who already has one. Some STDs can be treated and cured with antibiotic medicine. Others cannot be cured, but many of those can be treated to make them easier to live with.

It is very important to remember that most of the time you will never know if you are having sex with someone who has an STD. Anyone can get one. It has nothing to do with how "clean" someone is or how the person dresses and acts. Most people who get an STD, including HIV, do not know the person they are having sex with has one.

That’s why getting tested is so important. Some STDs have no symptoms, and can lead to chronic pelvic pain and ‘infertility’, which means you can’t have babies in the future. Protect yourself every time you have sex – any kind of sex, whether it’s oral, vaginal or anal. Always use a condom. Remember birth control only protects you from pregnancy, not STDs.

If you’ve ever had unprotected sex – that means oral, vaginal or anal sex without a condom – you should get tested.

Drinking and drugs make it harder to stay safe. Be sober if u have sex.

Having sex is a decision that requires careful thought. Careful thought and alcohol/drugs do not go together, no matter how clear-headed you think you may be when you take them.

Keeping a clear head.

5 great reasons not to mix sex, drugs and alcohol:

  • When you have sex under the influence, you’re less likely to protect yourself by using a condom.
  • When you have sex under the influence, you’re more likely to get pregnant or get an STD.
  • When you have sex under the influence, you’re more likely to go further than you had planned.
  • When you have sex under the influence, you’re more likely to regret what you did.
  • When you have sex under the influence, you are more vulnerable to being physically hurt or being forced to do something sexually you didn’t want to do.

If you had unprotected sex while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you could have been exposed to an STD. Click here to find a local clinic to get tested.

If you or a friend has a problem with alcohol or drugs, you can find help here.

If you are 17 or older, you can buy emergency contraception at a pharmacy without a prescription.

As of April, 2009, anyone over the age of 17 can get emergency contraception (also called "Plan B") without a prescription. To make it easy to buy Plan B, pharmacies are supposed to put them in a place in a pharmacy where they are easy to pick-up and buy.   This is why Plan B is now called an "over-the-counter" medicine.

It may take awhile for the pharmacies to make the emergency contraceptive pills "over-the counter." Until then, it is still pretty easy to get them. You can go to a clinic or get a prescription from your doctor. You can even get emergency contraceptive pills free at many clinics.

Depo is a shot that prevents pregnancy for 3 mos, but not STDs. Always use a condom.

The contraceptive shot that clinics have been giving to teens and adult women for many years is called Depo-Provera. It is a shot that the woman gets every 12 weeks to keep from getting pregnant. The shot only has progestin in it. Progestin is very much like one of the hormones a girls’ body begins to make after she has her first menstrual period. .

The shot works well to prevent pregnancy. But it does not protect against HIV or other STDs. If you are having anal, vaginal, or oral sex with a guy who might give you an STD, use a condom. If you are having oral or vaginal sex with a girl, you should use a dental dam. But it’s best not to have sex with anyone you think will give you and STD. The person should get tested first to make sure you don’t get an STD.

Advantages of the shot:

  • It’s easy to use and lasts for 12 weeks.
  • It’s very good at preventing pregnancy.
  • It may help prevent some health problems, like cancer of the uterus.
  • Periods are lighter and less "crampy".  Many women don’t have any periods.
  • Some women like not having a period.
  • The shot can be used by women who can't take estrogen.
  • It doesn't interrupt sex.

Possible Side Effects

  • Changes in menstrual bleeding. You may have longer or shorter periods, or just light spotting of blood instead of having a regular period.
  • You r period may not come regularly or they may stop completely.  Your periods will return to normal after the last shot wears off.
  • You may have spotting in between periods. For most women, this decreases or stops over time.  

Some medicines may keep the shot from working as well, so tell your doctors if you’re taking the shot. If you need to take one of these medicines, you may need to use a back up method of pregnancy prevention, like condoms, until you finish the medication. Your doctor will tell you if this is necessary.

Other side effects and possible warning signs.

Think they could be sleeping around? Watch out! STDs spread fast that way.

Protecting yourself is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in a relationship. Understandably, it can be very hurtful to learn that your partner has given you an STD, especially if you didn’t know your partner was having sex with someone else.   Sometimes you can have a new relationship and the person you are with doesn’t know he or she has an STD.  This is why, when two people are thinking about having sex with each other, they should get tested before they have sex. 

If you are having oral sex with a guy, or vaginal or anal sex, you should always protect yourself by using condoms. If you are having oral sex with a girl, you should use a dental dam.

You should always talk with your partner about STD testing and make sure you both get tested before you have sex.  

Vaccines can protect against HPV and hepatitis B, two STDs linked to cancer. Ask your Dr.

HPV

Genital warts (caused by the virus HPV, or ‘human papilloma virus’) are small, often painless bumps in or round the vagina, penis, or anus. You get HPV by having sex with someone who has the virus.
HPV is spread by having vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Even if the warts go away or are removed, the virus stays in your body and can be spread to others.

HPV can be prevented with the HPV vaccine. The vaccine to protect you from HPV is for girls and women who:

  • Are 9 to 26 years of age
  • Have not yet had sex
  • Have had sex, but do not have HPV

If you’ve had oral, vaginal or anal sex, it is important to get an HPV test. This is a simple and painless test. If a woman has the kind of HPV that causes genital warts, she may also have another kind of HPV that causes cervical cancer. Any woman who has had genital warts should have a Pap smear at least once a year to check for cervical cancer.

More HPV: symptoms, long-term effects and treatment

Hepatitis B

Hepatitis B is an infection of the liver that can be diagnosed by a simple blood test. Hepatitis B is caused by a virus (a kind of germ).   

You could get Hepatitis B if you:

  • Have sex with someone who has the virus.
  • Share needles or drugs with someone who has the virus.
  • Share earrings, razors, nail clippers, or toothbrushes with someone who has the virus.
  • Pierce your body or get a tattoo when tools infected with the virus are used.
  • Touch infected blood or bodily fluids.

Symptoms

People can have hepatitis B without knowing it. They may feel fine or they may just feel like they have the flu. Even if you have no signs, you can still spread hepatitis B to others.

Some people get these signs:

  • Yellow skin or eyes
  • No appetite (they don't want to eat)
  • Feeling tired
  • Brown or dark urine (pee)
  • Light or gray stools

Some people have pain in their:

  • Stomach or abdomen
  • Muscles
  • Joints

There is no cure for hepatitis B, but in some people, it goes away on its own. There is medicine that can help the liver of people who have chronic hepatitis.

Hepatitis B can cause these problems:

  • You can give it to others.
  • You have a higher chance of getting HIV (the virus that causes AIDS).
  • Chronic hepatitis can badly damage your liver. It can lead to cancer and even death.
  • If a woman has hepatitis B while she is pregnant, she should tell her doctor right away. Her baby could be born with it. The baby will need special shots right after birth.

Treatment

Your doctor will make a treatment plan just for you. Tell your partner(s) and anyone you live with that you have hepatitis B. They will need to get the vaccine.

Get tested! Find a clinic near you

Many STDs don’t have symptoms. If ur having sex, get tested to know.

STDs are infections that people usually get by having sex with someone who already has one. Some STDs can be treated and cured with antibiotic medicine. Others cannot be cured, but many of those can be treated to make them easier to live with.

It is very important to remember that most of the time you will never know if you are having sex with someone who has an STD. Anyone can get one. It has nothing to do with how "clean" someone is or how the person dresses and acts. Most people who get an STD, including HIV, do not know the person they are having sex with has one.

That’s why getting tested is so important. Some STDs have no symptoms but you can still get very sick. You can end up with a very serious problem like not being able to get pregnant or cause a pregnancy.  Protect yourself every time you have sex – any kind of sex, whether it’s oral, vaginal or anal. Always use a condom. Remember birth control only protects you from pregnancy, not STDs.

If you’ve ever had unprotected sex – that means oral, vaginal or anal sex you should get tested.

To learn more about different STDs, click here.

Get tested! Find a Clinic near You

Smoking when on the pill increases your risk of heart attack and stroke.

Smoking while using a hormonal method of birth control puts a woman at greater risk of heart attack and stroke, and this risk gets higher as women get older.  If you smoke, and you’re taking a hormonal method of birth control, you need to tell your doctor.

Not sure if u want 2 have sex? Its ur choice. Get info 2 help u decide.

The decision to have sex or not is yours, and yours alone. If you just had sex for the first time, or are considering having sex for the first time, there are important questions you should ask yourself. If you’re thinking about having sex with a new partner, these questions are still helpful for you. Sex is a big emotional event, and a big physical event. Asking some basic questions of yourself can help you decide if you’re ready.

Your values

  • What are your moral feelings about sex? What are your parents’ feelings? Does religion influence your feelings?
  • Do you feel you can or want to have a close relationship without someone without having sex?
  • Do you feel you need to be in love with your partner before having sex?
  • Do your values conflict with your decision to have sex? If so, you may not be ready.

Your partner

  • Do both of you feel the same way, or is one of you pressuring the other?
  • Can you talk with your partner honestly about your feelings towards sex?
  • How will it change your relationship with your partner? How do you each expect it will change your relationship? Have you discussed this?
  • If you feel pressured, or haven’t talked with your partner about your feelings about sex, you’re not ready.

Making sure you’re prepared

  • Have you and your partner talked about preventing pregnancy, and prepared for this, like buying condoms?
  • Have you and your partner talked about preventing STIs? Have you prepared? Have you both been tested for STIs and talked with each other about the tests and the results?
  • If your partner doesn’t want to talk about pregnancy or STI prevention, he or she isn’t ready to have sex. Only when you care enough about each other’s feelings and physical health to protect each other, and you’ve made a plan to do that, is when you’re ready to have sex.

Never be embarrassed to:

  • Say ‘no’.
  • Talk to your partner about your feelings and about protection.
  • Buy condoms or ask your healthcare provider about birth control.

Make a plan. Don’t leave yourself unprotected for pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.

Read More:

The Patch releases meds thru ur skin to prevent pregnancy, but not STDs. Always use a condom.

The contraceptive patch is a hormonal method of birth control. It is a small patch a woman can wear on her skin to keep her from getting pregnant. It sticks to the skin like a Band-Aid. The patch contains both estrogen and progestin. The hormones go slowly into the woman's body through her skin.

Each patch works for only 1 week. You wear one patch each week for three weeks. During the fourth week, you wear no patch at all. This is when you will get your period.

The patch works well to prevent pregnancy. But it does not protect against HIV and other STIs. If you have sex with anyone you think might give you a sexually transmitted infection, you should use a condom.

Scared to talk to ur parents about sex? It might not b so bad. Some ideas on how to start

Many teens have found that it can be a big help to talk to their parents about sex and health. Because they care about you and want you to be happy, they want the opportunity to talk with you and try to help you in any way they can.

It’s true that some parents don’t have the information about sex you need or are not comfortable talking about sex with you. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to try to help you. They may even want to learn!   There are some links below you can give to your parents.

You may or may not know how your parents feel about talking about sex. You might think they will be upset with you. Unless you know absolutely for sure that they would be very upset or even punish you in some way, it is worth a try to begin talking to them.

If you live with two parents or both your parents are living but no longer together, think about which one (or both) you want to try to talk with about sex.

It may not be easy to start the conversation. TeenSource.org's "Talk With Your Parents" section has more ideas you can use to make it easier:

  • Pick a time when your parents can give you their full attention.
  • Bring up the topic in a way that makes it clear you value what they have to say.
  • Ask questions: “What do you think I should know about sex?”
  • Keep lines of communication open.

Women usually ovulate 2 wks b4 their period. Everyone’s different; always use protection if having sex.

Ovulation is the time when the egg comes out of the ovary. It usually takes place about two weeks before a woman’s next period.

If the egg and sperm are to meet (this is called fertilization), it can happen on the day of ovulation. It can also happen up to five days before ovulation.  This means if a woman has intercourse one to five days before ovulation, sperm can live in her body until the day ovulation takes place. Sperm can live in a woman’s body because it is making fertile mucus beginning a few days before ovulation. Fertile mucus keeps sperm alive and lets them travel. 

Pregnancy happens when the fertilized egg attaches to the wall of the uterus. This occurs about six days after fertilization.  Up to half of all fertilized eggs never attach to the wall of the uterus so they can’t continue to grow into a healthy pregnancy. This is normal and does not mean anything is wrong with a woman or that she can’t have a baby in the future. No one knows why this happens.  The fertilized egg comes out during menstrual bleeding but it can’t be seen because it is very, very small.

Remember, hormonal birth control methods do not protect against STDs. Always use a condom.

Even w/out pain or symptoms, STDs can do damage inside u. Get tested.

STIs are infections that people usually get by having sex with someone who already has one. Some STDI can be treated and cured with antibiotic medicine. Others cannot be cured. But many of those can be treated to make them easier to live with.

It is very important to remember that most of the time you do NOT know if you are having sex with someone who has an STI. It has nothing to do with how "clean" someone is or how the person dresses and acts. Most people who get an STI, including HIV, do not know the person they are having sex with has one.  This means anyone can get an STI and not know it.

That’s why getting tested is so important. Some STIs will not give you any signs that let you know you have them.   You can walk around with an infection for many months and not know it but the infection is still hurting you. It can cause you to not be able to get pregnant or to get a woman pregnant. Protect yourself every time you have sex – any kind of sex, whether it’s oral, vaginal or anal.  Some STIs can give you a very bad infection in your mouth, throat or anus. The infection can spread to other parts of your body from these areas.  Always use a condom. Remember hormonal methods of birth control only protect you from pregnancy, not STIs.

Some birth control causes weight gain. Its OK to try different types.

The hormonal methods can sometimes cause an increase in appetite. If this happens, it is important to be careful not to eat more than usual.  Eating too much can cause weight gain. The shot and implant may cause some weight gain without eating too much. If you are concerned about weight gain, discuss different options with your doctor or healthcare provider.

Fighting with your bf/gf? Step out of the room & wait til ur ready to talk.

Disagreements happen in normal relationships. What is important is HOW you and your partner talk with each other during these times. Everyone needs to learn how to deal with disagreement in a healthy way. Read these tips and talk with your partner about them. Use the tips the next time you have a disagreement.

Arguing or having disagreements with your partner should NEVER get physical. If you are being hurt physically, or hurting someone else, you CAN get the help you need. See the links below.

Environment: In the hallway in between classes, when you are around friends or family, during/after sex or at a party are bad places to talk. Good places are private and quiet so that you and your partner can feel comfortable talking about how you are each feeling.

One problem at a time: Try to talk about one disagreement or problem at a time.  This will help you and your partner put your attention on one issue only and come up with a way to handle it that will work for both of you.  Couples who try to talk about a lot of problems at one time usually get too angry and often feel hurt.

Talk as soon as you can:  When you are feeling badly about something, let your partner know how you are feeling. This will prevent you from keeping your feelings inside for a while. When this happens, it is easy to get more and more hurt, angry or upset. 

Use “I” statements: Instead of saying, “You make me feel…” or “you did...” or “you never…,” say “I feel hurt when…” Also, in addition to telling your partner how you feel, give your partner as much information as you can so that he or she will understand why you feel that way. Doing this will help you and your partner decide on what can be done so that the problem won’t happen again.

NO insults or name-calling! If you or your partner starts name-calling, it’s time to walk-away and cool-off. You are no longer communicating.

Apologizing and compromising: Relationships involve having to do both of these things, even the best of relationships. We can’t have everything our way all the time, and we all make mistakes. If you were wrong, admit it. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt the other person, you should still say you’re sorry. And compromising does not mean you give in to the other person; it means you find a solution that works for both of you.

Remember, verbal or physical abuse is NOT okay! Not sure what verbal or physical abuse is? Get more information and resources for help.

You can also visit the TeenSource.org "Healthy Relationships" special topic for more.

Herpes is common, contagious, and painful. Learn the facts.

Genital herpes is an infection caused by a virus (a kind of germ).

  • You get the herpes virus by having sex with someone who has it.
  • It can be spread by having vaginal, anal, or oral sex. It can also be spread by touching the infected area of someone who has it.
  • It causes small, painful sores or blisters. The sores can come and go, but once you get herpes, the virus is always in your body.

This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a loving, close relationship with someone.  It does means you have to learn about herpes and know how to take care of yourself. Sometimes people with herpes completely stop having any sores or blisters.  This can happen if they take good care of their health. It can also happen if they take the right medicine.

Symptoms

Most people with herpes get signs of the infection, but some people don't. Most people get blisters or sores. They can show up in any of these places:

  • The vagina or penis
  • The thighs or buttocks
  • The mouth

These blisters or sores are different for everyone: Some people get a painful rash of blisters or sores.

Some get only a blister or two that just itch. Some people feel like they have the flu along with the blisters. The sores and blisters will heal.

Some people get the sores only once. Some people get them many times. Even when you have no sores or blisters, the herpes virus is in your body, and you can pass herpes to others.

Long-Term Effects

Herpes cannot be cured. It can cause these problems:

  • You can pass it on to others.
  • Your baby could get herpes while being born if you have an infection in your vagina around the time you are going to deliver the baby.  If this happen, you and your doctor will decide what kind of delivery would be best for the baby.
  • If you have herpes and get pregnant: talk to your doctor about the best way to reduce the chances of getting the herpes sores while you are pregnant and how to be healthy for you and your baby.

Treatment

Genital herpes can't be cured, but there are medicines that will usually  help the sores heal more quickly. Some medicines may also make the blisters come less often, stay a shorter time, and be less painful.

Daily pill hard to remember? There are many other options to prevent pregnancy.

Birth control pills are a hormonal method of preventing pregnancy. Hormonal methods work very well to prevent pregnancy, but do not protect against HIV or other sexually transmittedinfections (STIs) . You should use condoms if you are worried about getting STIs.

 Which birth control method is right for you?

  • Birth Control Pill: one pill taken at the same time each day for 3 weeks to 3 months. It depends on the kind of pill you want to take. With some kinds of pills you get a period about every 4 weeks. With other pills you can get a period every 3 months. Click here for more information.
  • Birth Control Shot: one shot, given every 12 weeks.  You can get a period every 12 weeks and sometimes you will stop having periods completely. Click here for more information.
  • Birth Control Patch: a patch worn on the skin, like a band-aid. Each patch works for only 1 week. You wear 1 patch each week for 3 weeks. During the fourth week, you wear no patch at all. This is when you will get your period. Click here for more information.
  • Birth Control Ring: ring worn inside the vagina. One ring is used for three weeks and then it is removed.  You nor your partner can feel the ring when it is inside the vagina.  During the fourth week you will get your period.  Click here for more information.
  • Emergency Contraceptive Pills (ECPS): emergency contraception is taken after having unprotected sex. They don’t cause abortions. They mostly work by stopping the egg from coming out of the ovary on time so that the sperm and egg can’t meet.  The sooner ECPs  are taken the better they work. They can be taken up to  5 days of unprotected sex. They do not protect against STIs. Click here for more information.

Other methods of birth control

There are also barrier methods and long-term methods of birth control. Barrier methods include male condoms, female condoms, diaphragms, kinds of cervical caps, spermicides. Some barrier methods can also be used to protect against STIs (male and female condoms). Click here for more information on barrier methods.

Long term methods include three types of pregnancy prevention methods that work for several years.
These three types are sterilization, intrauterine devices (IUDs) and implants. Click here for more information on long term methods.

Withdrawal is also a method of birth control that can work ONLY if a guy really knows how to use it correctly.  The natural methods of family planning also work but only if someone learns to use them correctly and follows the instructions.  Click here for more information about withdrawal  and here for information about the natural methods of family planning.

Being young is hot but STDs are not! People under 25 have the highest risk. Test at least every year.

You can get a sexually transmitted infection (STI) if you have contact with someone's skin, mouth, penis, vagina or anus that has the infection. Half of all new sexually transmitted infections happen in people under age 25. Each year, 1 in 4 sexually active teens gets an STI and 1 in 2 teens will get an STI by the time they are 25. Now is the time to get educated and protect yourself.

Think you know everything? Think again!

"You have to have sexual intercourse (vaginal sex) to get an STI."
WRONG. You can get some STIs like herpes and genital warts through skin contact alone. Condoms can protect those areas covered by the condom, but not skin around the genitals where infected areas may be.  Do you want to say anything about dental dams?

"You can’t get an STIs from oral or anal sex."
WRONG.
All STIs can be passed on through oral or anal sex.

"If my partner ‘looks’ clean, they must be clean."
WRONG. Some STIs have no symptoms, and show no signs of infection. Some people with STIs don’t know that they have them.

You can get an STI from kissing, naked genital rubbing, oral sex, anal sex and sexual intercourse. For more information on what STIs you can get from different kinds of sexual activity, click here.

Did you know?

  • Having unprotected sex puts you at high risk of getting an STI. Male and female condoms protect against many STIs, but not all. Birth control, spermicides, and diaphragms only prevent pregnancy.
  • You can get more than one STI at a time.
  • You can get the same STI more than once.

Learn More

Condom broke? Emergency contraception can prevent pregnancy if taken w/in 5 days- ASAP is best.

Did you forget to use a condom? Was there any penetration before you used a condom? Did the condom break? Are you worried that you did not take your birth control as required? Were you forced to have unprotected sex?

What is emergency contraception?

Emergency contraception (EC) is a type of birth control, and is sometimes called the 'morning after pill' or 'Plan B'. EC is taken after having sex to prevent pregnancy from happening. Emergency contraception is not abortion. In fact, if you are already pregnant, taking emergency contraception will not end or harm the pregnancy.

How does EC work?

EC can prevent pregnancy if taken within 5 days (120 hours) of unprotected sex, but the sooner you take it after sex, the better it works. If you answer yes to any of the questions above, and you want to prevent pregnancy, emergency contraception might be a good choice for you.

Who can get emergency contraception?

EC is generally available to those 17 years of age or older at pharmacies without a prescription. If you are younger than 17, getting EC may require a prescription depending on the state you live in.

Is EC safe?

Yes, emergency contraception is a safe method for preventing pregnancies. Again, if you are already pregnant, EC will not end or harm your pregnancy.

And all I have to do is take the pill?

Remember, EC does not prevent pregnancy for the rest of your menstrual cycle. After taking EC, you should get your period within 7-9 days. If you have sex before getting your period, use a condom every time.

What about STDs?

EC does not protect you against STDs. If you had unprotected sex, you should find a clinic and get tested for STDs.

Want more information?

Remember, EC is meant to be an emergency treatment, not a regular method of birth control. You should not use EC as your only way of preventing pregnancy. Talk to a your doctor about a regular method of birth control that is right for you.

STDs can make it so u cant have babies. Use condoms. Get tested.

When people don’t take the medicine they need to get rid of a STDs, the infection can lead to ‘infertility,’ which means that you or your partner can’t have babies in the future. Two STDs that cause infertility are Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. However, not all STDs have symptoms, which means you may not know if you have an STD. It can also take a few months for your body to give you a signal that you have an STD, such as pain or fever.  That’s why it’s very important to use protection each and every time you have sex, and to get tested if you or your partner has ever had unprotected sex.

Choose sex partners wisely. Having one partner at a time is safer. None = safest.

Sex is many things. It is a natural part of life. It affects people both physically and emotionally. It also carries serious physical risks, including pregnancy and STDs. And the more people you have sex with, the greater your risk for STDs, especially if you’re not using condoms correctly. To protect yourself and your partner, there are important things to think about.

You probably know that abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy and STDs. If you are having sex or planning to have sex for the first time, there are ways that you can reduce your chances of getting an STD. Click on the Safer Sex 101 link below for more information.

Sex shouldn’t hurt your body or your heart. Talk about what you want with your partner.

Talking about sex with your partner can make you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. It is very important to know that being able to talk about sex is part of a healthy relationship. When two people talk with each other about sex and really listen to each other’s feelings, they are showing each other respect and caring.  It helps them plan to prevent pregnancy or disease. Some people may feel more shy than others in discussing sex – there are tips in the links below that offer suggestions on creating a good environment for talking about sex with your partner, and how to get the conversation going. Even if you’re not shy, these are good tips to help you have the best communication possible with your partner. 

Remember:

  • The key to any good communication is mutual respect and sensitivity. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying without judging your partner.  Be careful not to make fun of or criticize your partner.
  • No one is a mind-reader. Your partner will appreciate communication about what you need in your relationship, including your sexual relationship.
  • The more you communicate with your partner openly and sensitively, the easier it becomes to talk about sex.

Want to learn more?

1 condom > than 2. Two r as good as zero b/c rubbing=breaking.

Using more than one condom at a time, whether you’re using a male condom or a female condom, is never a good idea. Why? When condoms rub together they can break or tear. Any break or tear, no matter how small, can let you or your partner get a sexually transmitted infection. It can also cause pregnancy. Condoms can also break if they’re old or if they’re not put on properly.

Putting condoms on wrong is the most common cause of breaking. A lot of guys think they know how to use a condom but they don’t! See the links below that teach how to use a condom correctly.

If you want to be extra careful in preventing pregnancy and STDs, use another form of contraception in addition to the condom, like a spermicide. Another option: using a hormonal method like birth control pills with a condom provides extra protection against pregnancy and STDs. Remember, condom use to prevent STDs is not only important for vaginal sex, but also oral and anal sex.

STD testing = easy. Usually just have to pee in a cup.

Getting an STD test is easier than ever! Testing for common STDs, like chlamydia and gonorrhea, only requires a urine sample, so you’ll just need to pee in a cup. You will also get the chance to talk with clinic staff about safer sex practices, pick up health education materials and maybe even go home with free condoms! Once your results are in, clinic staff will contact you to discuss what steps to take next to protect your health for the future.

Protect Yourself from STDs

Meds cure chlamydia, gonorrhea, + syphilis. Herpes + HIV stay w/u 4 ever.

STDs are infections that people usually get by having sex with someone who already has one. Some STDs can be treated and cured with antibiotic medicine. Others cannot be cured. But many of those can be treated to make them easier to live with.

It is very important to remember that most of the time you will never know if you are having sex with someone who has an STD. Anyone can get one. Most people who get an STD, including HIV, do not know the person they are having sex with has one.

The Pill Protects You From Pregnancy - Not STDs

The pill protects from pregnancy. Need condoms 2 prevent STDs + HIV.

The contraceptive pill is what most people think of as "the pill." It is a pill made with both estrogen and progestin. The woman takes one pill at the same time each day.

There are many types and brands of contraceptive pills. They come in different colors and in different kinds of packs. A clinician decides which type and brand is best for each woman.

The pill works well to prevent pregnancy, but it does not protect against HIV and other STDs. Use a condom every time you have sex to help protect against these diseases.

U can’t get pregnant from anal sex, but it’s much riskier for HIV & STDs.

Having anal sex instead of vaginal sex will not stop you from catching or spreading STDs. You certainly can get an STD if you have anal sex with someone who has an infection, even if you can't tell there is an infection by looking. Viruses like HIV and herpes, as well as other infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea can infect through the anus, as well as the vagina. In fact, anal sex with an infected partner is one of the most likely ways of getting HIV. So you still need to use a condom and practice safe sex every time.

Communication and Relationships

There's more to sex than just the physical. What goes on in your brain during sex is just as important as what's happening with the rest of your body. So while protecting yourself from pregnancy and STDs is key when you're thinking about having a sexual relationship, it's important to be mentally prepared, too.

The first two parts of this section address a question that many people struggle with: How do I talk about sex with my partner? Our step-by-step guide to thinking and talking about sex will help you get talking so that you can establish clear boundaries with your partner, talk about your sexual likes and dislikes, and consent to the sex you want (or say no to sex you don't want).

No matter whom you decide to have sex with, it should be a safe and positive experience. But not all relationships are good for you. No one deserves to be made to feel hurt, sad, or unloved. The last part of this section addresses what makes a relationship healthy, what can make it unhealthy - or even abusive - and what to do when your relationship isn't making you feel good.

Talking about sex with your partner

 

Let’s talk.

Talking about sex shows maturity – and let’s be real; being ready for sex means being ready to talk to your partner about sex.

Communicating about sex is important for many reasons. Being comfortable talking about sex is a skill that will help you set limits about what you want to do sexually and what you don’t want to do, talk to a sexual partner about getting tested for STDs, and decide what kind of birth control you and your partner want to use.

Consider the following situations: how would you talk to your sex partner in these situations? 

 

  • You and your girlfriend have been together for a couple months and you want to start having sex. You want to be safe but you don’t know how to ask her if she’s been tested recently.
  • Possible answer: “I was reading somewhere that 1 in 4 teens has an STD. That seems like so many! I haven’t been tested in forever. Have you? Maybe we could go to the clinic together.”

    •  

  • You’ve been hooking up with a cute guy for a while and one night he starts to go down on you. You’re not feeling it—you’ve never had oral sex before, and you don’t want to start now.
  • Possible answer: “I really like what we’ve been doing – I’d like to stick with that.”

    •  

  • You’ve been hooking up with a girl for a while and you feel ready to have sex for the first time. She doesn’t know that you’re a virgin.
  • Possible answer: “I really like the way we’re been hooking up so far, and I feel ready to have sex with you, if that’s something you want, too. But I also I want you to know that if we do, we’re getting into unfamiliar territory for me.”

    •  

The step-by-step guide below can help you get the conversation started. Start with organizing your own thoughts about sex. After that, there are many different approaches you could take in bringing up the subject with the person you’re having sex with, whether it’s someone you’re in a committed relationship with or someone you’re seeing more casually.

Talking about sex, step one: Think about sex.

If you don’t know your own feelings about what you’re ready for sexually, it can be tempting to go along with what your partner wants.  For example, they want to have oral sex, but that’s not something you’ve done before. If you do it without thinking, you might be uncomfortable or – worse – unprepared to protect yourself against STDs or pregnancy. 

Think about:

  • What are you ready for?
  • Are you ready to be sexual with a partner? Have you explored what you like sexually on your own (i.e. masturbating)?
  • What have you already done with your partner that you like?
  • What has made you uncomfortable?
  • How is the pace of your sexual relationship – too fast? Too slow?

You can also get more specific, if that helps:

  • Things you’re curious about or want to try.
  • Body parts that are off-limits.
  • Body parts that you want touched.
  • What will you do if you or your partner gets pregnant?

Remember, though - there’s no rule that says once you do something, you have to do it again with every partner you have after that.

Lots of things that happen in life that can affect the kind of sex you want. Switching your birth control, changes at home, work, or school, or experiencing sexual assault, are just a few examples. It’s okay if your feelings change. Base your boundaries on where you are now.

For more ways to get yourself thinking about sex, check out The Line Campaign at http://whereisyourline.org/.

Talking about sex, step two: Bringing it up.

Getting from thinking about sex to actually talking about it is a big step.

There are many ways to start a conversation about sex. If you look around, you can probably spot all kinds of examples of people addressing issues of sex and relationships, from newspaper headlines to the songs you hear on the radio.  Here are some current examples of music and TV shows that can be used to start a conversation about sex and relationships.

  • Song lyrics are great for starting conversations because they’re short and memorable. What kind of relationship do  Eminem and Rihanna describe in  “Love the Way You Lie”? What is Taylor Swift saying about sex in her song “Fifteen”?
  • 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom {LINKS to view online} both deal specifically with teen pregnancy and often have a lot of frank discussions about birth control, healthy relationships, talking to your parents, and how they decided to have sex.
  • If movies are more your thing, Wikipedia has a list of teen movies, many of which deal with issues of sex and relationships.
  • Start to think critically about what you see in the news about young people and their sexuality. See the Teensource blogs for some good examples of this.

Talking about sex, step three: Speak your mind.

Once you’ve brought up the subject of sex, how do you say what you want to say? Sex is definitely a personal thing, so it can feel awkward at first to ask or answer questions about it.  Talking about sex is a skill and like any skill, practice makes perfect!

Here’s a sample of the advice some teens have given each other online sexual health discussion forums:

Talking about waiting:

  • Tell your partner you have no problem with talking about it, or that you might want to someday, but that actually doing it right now doesn’t suit you.
  • If you talk to your partner and he or she still acts like a complete jerk, then you can do way better.

Talking about using condoms:

  • Encourage your partner to understand that it’s your body, your life, and you’re the one who makes the choices about you.
  • Specifically related to using a condom for pregnancy prevention: Tell your partner that you trust him, but it just makes you feel safer and happier knowing that there's a condom to protect you, because pre-ejaculate (precum) can also get you pregnant and he won't know when that's happening.
  • If your partner pulls out the “Don’t you trust me?” defense, say if he or she cared about you then he or she would use a condom.
  • Tell your partner you trust them but you’re paranoid about pregnancy/STDs.
  • Put your foot down. You have choices, too. You don’t have to do it just to please them. Tell your partner, "No condom, no sex.” It has nothing to do with trust.

The bullets above are paraphrased from the IYSL message boards, the Scarleteen Forums, and the Sex, etc. Forums. Check them out if you need more advice or have a more specific question. You can also try out the different scenarios at Scarleteen if you still feel like you need more practice.

Other ideas:

  • A direct method: “Since we’re mature enough to take on all the responsibility of sex and protection, we should be mature enough to talk about it too, right?”
  • For a partner who’s not very talkative: “I know we haven’t talked much about sex before, but it’s been on my mind lately. So, can I ask you something?”
  • Or, “I know we’ve been keeping this relationship casual, but I was thinking about the last time we were hooking up and I was wondering…”

Something to think about when you’re talking: Try to keep things positive. Just because you want to talk doesn’t mean you’re calling them out. You can even use this as an opportunity to talk about all the things you like about your physical relationship with them before you start talking about your limits or desires.

Talking about sex, step four: Remember to listen!

When you talk to your partner about sex, chances are you’ve thought about your feelings, but it’s also important to think about your partner’s feelings. There are ways to help them open up and not feel like you’re judging them while they’re revealing really sensitive or personal information – maybe stuff they’ve never talked to anyone about before.

Here are a few suggested dos and don’ts to help you be a sensitive, non-judgmental listener when you talk to a partner about sex.

DO:

  • DO start talking at a time when you’re not about to hook up. It’s hard to talk about boundaries when you’re in the middle of doing it. Try initiating the conversation outside of the bedroom (or wherever you usually hook up) so you won’t get distracted.
  • DO be clear and specific. Use the right words for things, even if it’s a little awkward—if you’re vague, your partner might misunderstand or think you’re talking about something else entirely. Point to places on your body if you need to, or use pictures – whatever gets your point across. Think of specific situations or past scenarios if it helps you make your point about what you’re feeling.
  • DO ask questions you actually want to know the answers to. The best way to be a good listener is to be interested in what’s being said. If you want to know where your partner stands on anal sex, you could say, “I just don’t think I see myself trying anal sex. Have you tried it? (Or, if that’s too direct, “What do you think about it?” could work, too.)
  • DO watch what you’re not saying – make eye contact, open body language, volume and tone of voice should match theirs.
  • DO use “I” statements. For example, if you feel tempted to say “You’re pressuring me to have sex,” try “I feel pressured to ---“. This is a good way to avoid arguments because it’s easy for them to go on a tangent about something irrelevant, defending themselves against your accusations. On the other hand, it’s hard for them to argue with the way you feel.
  • DO ask open-ended questions. When you feel like you’ve said everything you want to say, ask your partner what he or she thinks about how the talk has been going so far. Not only does this keep them engaged in the conversation, but it could also bring other things to your mind that you didn’t think of before.
  • DO think before you speak. Don’t be afraid to pause, no matter how awkward you feel about silence. When you’re not talking, it gives you a chance to process what your partner is saying and think about how you really want to respond. It also lets them know you’re thinking about what they said, which lets them know you respect them.
  • DO stay open. If you feel yourself becoming skeptical or frustrated, take a deep breath and make sure you’re listening. Just try to receive what your partner is saying. That means being open to talking again later, too, if either or both of you need to.

DON’T:

  • DON’T attack, blame, or get angry. It’s really important to keep your cool because people take sex really personally and if they feel criticized, it’s unlikely you’re going to have a productive conversation. Be as diplomatic as possible.
  • DON’T immediately go on the attack if they say something hurtful. (Use those “I” statements!)
  • DON’T assume your partner “knows what you mean.” They probably don’t. If you want them to know something, make it clear – say it. Otherwise, you’ll just have to deal with it later when you find out that they don’t actually know what you mean.
  • DON’T drop it altogether if it doesn’t work the first couple of times. It’s possible to follow all the “Do”s and still have it not work out. Let it go, and try again later. It might take a couple of false starts for you to get the conversation going or for your partner to realize that this is important to you. Be patient, and be persistent.

Remember that it’s a conversation, not a competition, so there’s no prize for the person who can list their partner’s sexual desires and boundaries the fastest. Take the time to really understand this part of them like you did getting to know the rest of them.

Consent: More than yes or no

The importance of saying yes when you want to:

We live in a culture where sex is portrayed as something dirty that should be kept secret, especially where young people are concerned. Don’t let shame keep you from expressing your desires or keeping yourself safe.

  • Agree with your partner that you won’t assume anything about what the other wants.
  • Make a habit of being open with your partner. That way, if you want to do something, you know you’ll get an enthusiastic “yes” if they’re into it and you won’t have to guess at what they want. If they’re not, you can stop or move on to something else.
  • If spelling everything out seems too awkward in the heat of the moment, there are lots of ways to tell or show your partner what you want, like putting their hands where you want them. Just make sure they know how you communicate before you get started, and vice-versa.
  • Be patient – with each other and with yourself. Rushing into things can be tempting, but a “yes” that’s not given freely and with enthusiasm isn’t the kind of consent you want to give or receive.
  • If you’re feeling nervous or conflicted – like part of you wants to do something and part of you doesn’t – it’s okay to tell your partner you need to pause and talk things out for a minute.

How to say no without hurting anyone’s feelings (including your own):

Whether you’re tired, out of your comfort zone, or just not in the mood for sex, sometimes you need to say no to sex. This can be hard, especially when you care about your partner. Here are a few ways to respectfully decline while also respecting yourself, which is always important.

  • If it seems like your partner wants to hook up, and you don’t, speak up before things get going. This way, your partner doesn’t feel led on, and you don’t end up doing something you don’t want to do because you got caught up in the moment.
  • If you’re opposed to something specific rather than sex in general, you could suggest an alternative. As in, “Hey, can we just keep making out? I don’t really want to take my clothes off.”
  • Make sure your partner knows it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with him or her as a person or with your relationship on the whole. You might say, ‘I am so incredibly attracted to you, but I’m just not feeling it right now. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.’”
  • Be as nice as you can. You want them to respect your feelings, so it’s important to take theirs into account, too. No one likes to feel rejected.
  • If you feel like you have to be mean to your partner to get your point across, you may want to consider whether it’s a good idea to be sexually involved with him or her.It’s not okay for your partner to pressure you into having sex.

Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships

Love is about caring, supporting and respecting your partner. In a healthy relationship, partners have equal power and respect each other’s opinions and beliefs. Abuse is about power and control. If one person has more power than the other, then the relationship is not healthy.

So how do you recognize an unhealthy relationship?

Most people don’t expect their boyfriends or girlfriends to be abusive. Most people think, “I would never put up with that!” but 1 in 5 teenagers reports being physically abused by a partner. 1 in 3 women will be abused by her boyfriend at some point, and half of young teens (11-14) say they don’t know the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Look out for these warning signs of abuse:

  • Pressuring you to have sex when you are not ready or do not want to.
  • Trying to get you to use alcohol and drugs when you have your doubts about it.
  • Controlling who your friends are and how you spend every minute of your day.
  • Not listening to your thoughts and opinions or trying to make decisions for you.

Abuse isn’t just physical violence.

12-35% of teens report being hit, kicked, slapped, pushed or otherwise hurt by their partners, but abuse is not just physical. Abuse can also be emotional or verbal.

Emotional abuse can include:

  • Putting you down
  • Telling you what to do
  • Breaking your stuff
  • Threatening you or your family
  • Acting jealous for no reason

Remember, if you are ever in immediate danger, dial 911.

No one deserves to be abused. If abuse happens to you, remember that it is not your fault. You cannot control what your partner does. You can make a change-- there are people who want to help you. This section of Teensource has interviews with experts, dating abuse FAQ, and a list of places you can go to get more information.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

by Natalie Treacy, aged 16

To me, a healthy relationship isn’t just something that you see in the movies, but something that you should want to be in. You shouldn’t be in a relationship just because somebody wants to be with you, but because you want to be with that person too.

Try to look at your relationship as a learning experience. When you first meet someone, you’re not instantly going to know everything about them after one date. After a period of time, you can find yourself learning different things about your partner that may improve your relationship, or make you realize that it might not work out after all.

A lot of the time, problems come up because people have different expectations of what their relationship “should” be like, or how they want their relationship to be. No matter what, it’s important to make sure that you and your partner know each other’s “boundaries” and expectations because you don’t want you or your partner to feel uncomfortable, hurt, or abused.

It’s also important to realize that relationships change over time. You may find yourself wanting something from your relationship that you didn’t when you first met your partner, or even the other way around.

In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to not only appreciate and respect your partner, but yourself as well. You don’t want to feel stuck or powerless in your relationship, or as if you have to be in it. You need to be true to yourself and your partner. You should be able to love and feel loved while embracing each other’s differences; be able to be yourself and let your partner be themselves, too. You should be able to listen and express to each other’s needs and feelings mentally and physically.

And remember, it’s okay to let a relationship go.

Warning Signs of Abuse in Your Relationship

Some teens don't realize that they're being abused. Some teens think that being controlling is a sign of love. The cycle of violence is powerful. It results in low esteem so it's easy to be controlled, and some teens can't tell what a healthy relationship is because they have no good examples.

Staff attorney Tara Borelli of Break the Cycle, a Los Angeles organization dedicated to preventing dating violence.

A bruise might be obvious. But abuse doesn't always leave a mark. A relationship can be unhealthy even if everything seems fine on the outside. If you're wondering about your relationship, ask yourself, if your partner ever: 

  • Tries to control what you do or whom you hang out with.
  • Makes you "check in" with them so they know where you are.
  • Calls or texts you constantly.
  • Insults you or calls you names.
  • Makes you feel bad about yourself.
  • Accuses you of cheating on them or flirting with other people.

If you find that a lot of these things are happening in your relationship, consider whether or not it's the best thing for you to be with this person. Everyone deserves to be happy, and your relationship shouldn't take away from that.

For other warning signs and more information, visit thesafespace.org or check out some of the other organizations in our Resource Guide.

Interview: Q&A on Abusive Relationships

 

An interview with Laney Kapgan, executive assistant from Break The Cycle.

 

How far is too far?

Any relationship in which someone feels afraid or controlled has gone too far. Name-calling is too far.

What are some key hints that this isn't the person for me?

There are many warning signs. Someone who is telling you what to do. Extremely jealous or possessive behavior. Isolation- pulling you away from friends or family. A history of violence where he abused other partners. Big mood swings.

If his dad hits his mom, will he hit me?

Possibly, because abuse is a learned behavior, but it can be unlearned.

How do you end an abusive relationship?

Keep important phone numbers with you at all times. Make a list of places to go to be safe. Keep extra money and clothes with someone close just in case. You can also get a restraining order from the police.

How common are abusive relationships?

Forty percent of teen girls know someone that has been hurt by partners. One third of teen boys and girls are victims of abuse.

Are guys ever abused?

Guys get abused, too. It can be very difficult for guys to come forward. It happens to everyone, but 85 percent of the cases are men abusing women.

What's the first thing you should do if you think you're in an abusive relationship?

Get to a safe place such as a relative's house if you're in immediate danger. Police can help you get an emergency protective order, which will be in effect for a few days. Make a list of your options. Victims can call Break The Cycle (310) 286-3366 or (888) 988-TEEN, where lawyers can give options and advice to anyone from 12 to 22 years old.

Interview: Intimate Partner Abuse Prevention for Runaway & Homeless Youth

We recently talked with Dr. Brandi Beck from Children's Hospital in Los Angeles about an intimate partner abuse prevention curriculum created specifically for runaway and homeless youth. One unique aspect of this curriculum is that it was developed in collaboration with the homeless youth it is designed to serve. As Dr. Beck says, "We adapted some of the topics and activities from existing curricula; we pilot tested each session and integrated feedback from the co-facilitators and the youth themselves. What we've come up with is the fruit of listening to the stories of these youth and really paying attention to their needs and strengths."

What makes your program about Teen IPA prevention unique?

Our program is unique because we've catered the curriculum to meet the needs of a very transient population. Each session of our curriculum is designed to stand alone, since the likelihood is that many youth won't be able to come to a second session. At the same time, each session can be attended again and again by the same youth without it becoming redundant or boring.

In adapting existing curricula to meet the needs of runaway and homeless youth, what specific challenges did you face?

Most existing activities that we found focused on youth who are able to attend to an activity for a substantial period of time, which is not always the case with homeless and runaway youth. Our activities do not have a time guideline, which means that the facilitator is required to shorten or lengthen the activity in the moment. Initially it's a rather daunting challenge but with time, each of our facilitators has grown to appreciate the creativity this inspires.

We had another challenge when it came to creating a safe group setting. When youth are living on the streets, their sense of rules changes. There is a street justice that exists but it doesn't always appear as understandable rules to an outsider. With that in mind, we've invited each group to create their own group rules in the moment. In the two years we've been doing this, this works out great.

What have you learned from the youth you’ve been working with? What surprises have you had?

First, we've learned to introduce an activity and then let the youth teach us. We've learned to invite challenges instead of dread them because this population is courageous enough to challenge everything. We've learned to expect more from the youth than we initially thought. More specifically, we've learned that this population longs to be heard and to have a voice. If we give them an opportunity to speak, our activities are transformed.

Our biggest surprise had to do with the cycle of violence. At first we felt that we could not present an IPA curriculum without telling the youth about the cycle of violence. However, they struggled more with this concept than anything else.

After many discussions with the youth, we discovered that the struggle had to do with a sense of time. We were describing the cycle of violence as a cycle, meaning that one moved from one stage to the next. We found out that homeless and runaway youth threw out a sense of time when they entered the streets. The idea of stages was confusing to them. Once we opened up the idea to be something more fluid, the youth began to connect. They pointed out that often they could simultaneously exist in the Honeymoon and Abusive stages of the cycle.

What impact has this program made in the lives of those who’ve been part of these workshops this past year?

The largest impact has been with providing the homeless and runaway youth of Hollywood with the language to talk about IPA. IPA has become part of their language, when before they would ignore the symptoms and signs of IPA. While they would report abuse, they had few tools to deal with it. There was confusion about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A 20-year-old homeless youth from the East coast had traveled across country with his high school girlfriend of five years. By the end of the first session, it was apparent to the facilitators that he was being abused by his girlfriend.It was also apparent that this had never been acknowledged or addressed. At the beginning of the next session they attended, the facilitators announced that many IPA relationships can be hidden from the partners in the relationship. We then opened the discussion to how and why this is possible. During this group exploration, the 20-year-old began to see his relationship for what it was. He stayed alone after the session and asked for help in protecting himself against her. Luckily for him, he had the choice of going home and we were able to assist him in immediately returning home.In addition, we were able to encourage her to continue with the groups, which she did.

During one session, a known abuser came into the group. As the group came up with their group rules, one member indirectly challenged this specific youth for attending this group. The facilitators helped the group explore this and the decision was to ask this youth to leave until he was committed to changing his behavior. We explored how this made the other members feel once that youth left and all agreed that they felt empowered. The youth explained that they couldn't necessarily intervene with this youth on the streets because he is so aggressive. But it felt good to be able to challenge, confront and set limits with him in this setting.

Through stories like these and the evaluation forms that youth completed after each session, we have learned that curriculum resonates with these youth and meets an important need in the runaway and homeless youth community.

Hints for Peer Providers:

How to work with Runaway or Homeless Youth from the youth themselves:

  • Before you work with homeless and runaway youth, it's a good idea to visit a homeless/runaway drop-in centers. Sometimes people have biases about us. This could help dispel those misconceptions.
  • A Peer Provider could be a big help to youth struggling with IPA, especially if you've been through something similar. You'd need to be non-judgmental but firm.

For more information about this program, contact Brandi Beck at drbeck@earthlink.net or Arlene Schneir at aschneir@chla.usc.edu.

Resources for Abuse Prevention and Assistance

 

 

Remember, if you are ever in immediate danger, dial 911.

There are also hotlines that will listen to you and help you:

  • The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline
    1-866-331-9474
    1-866-331-8453 TTY
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline
    1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • The Rape Hotline:
    1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

 

Is It Really Love?

This engaging 20-page, full-color booklet looks at healthy relationships through the eyes of teenage women. Each section includes quizzes on subjects such as knowing yourself, beliefs and values, respect and disrespect, understanding real love, managing feelings, and making decisions. The booklet also provides information on staying safe, how to help others, and useful contacts. Great for classrooms and discussion groups. Available in English and Spanish.

National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Toolkit

The American Bar Association recently developed a helpful toolkit which includes fact sheets, ideas for teachers to incorporate Intimate Partner Abuse (IPA) prevention education in the classroom. Read the excellent editorial by Kathleen Mathis, President Elect of the American Bar Association and take a look at the useful PDF fact sheet on IPA.

Teen Dating Violence

The California Attorney General's Office as made a pamphlet on teen dating violence available online in PDF format. It's in English only. Check it out to see if it would work for your clients.

No One Deserves to Be Abused

This excellent booklet for women of all ages and ethnicities is available in 5 languages -- English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese. Also available are wallet cards and posters you can use in your clinic. Sensitive and empowering, these materials will help women in abusive relationships get the help they need.

You're Pregnant! Keeping Safe from Abuse

A pregnant woman needs to know how to keep safe if her partner is abusive. This 3-fold pamphlet encourages and supports her in her efforts to keep safe. Practical suggestions are offered. Available In English and Spanish.

50 Ways to a Safer World

Everyday Actions You Can Take to Prevent Violence in Neighborhoods, Schools, and Communities, a book written by Patricia Occhiuzzo Giggans and Barrie Levy in 1997 about how creating bonds within communities lowers violence.