Most people don’t expect their boyfriends or girlfriends to be abusive. Most people think, “I would never put up with that!” but 1 in 5 teenagers reports being physically abused by a partner. 1 in 3 women will be abused by her boyfriend at some point, and half of young teens (11-14) say they don’t know the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Love is about caring, supporting and respecting your partner. In a healthy relationship, partners have equal power and respect each other’s opinions and beliefs. Abuse is about power and control. If one person has more power than the other, then the relationship is not healthy.
Look out for these signs of abuse:
12-35% of teens report being hit, kicked, slapped, pushed or otherwise hurt by their partners, but abuse is not just physical. Abuse can also be emotional or verbal.
Emotional abuse can include:
No one deserves to be abused. If abuse happens to you, remember that it is not your fault. You cannot control what your partner does. You can make a change-- there are people who want to help you.
There are hotlines that will listen to you and help you get assistance:
The TeenSource website has more articles with you can get more information.
To me, a healthy relationship isn’t just something that you see in the movies, but something that you should want to be in. You shouldn’t be in a relationship just because somebody wants to be with you, but because you want to be with that person too.
Try to look at your relationship as a learning experience. When you first meet someone, you’re not instantly going to know everything about them after one date. After a period of time, you can find yourself learning different things about your partner that may improve your relationship, or make you realize that it might not work out after all.
A lot of the time, problems come up because people have different expectations of what their relationship “should” be like, or how they want their relationship to be. No matter what, it’s important to make sure that you and your partner know each other’s “boundaries” and expectations because you don’t want you or your partner to feel uncomfortable, hurt, or abused.
It’s also important to realize that relationships change over time. You may find yourself wanting something from your relationship that you didn’t when you first met your partner, or even the other way around.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to not only appreciate and respect your partner, but yourself as well. You don’t want to feel stuck or powerless in your relationship, or as if you have to be in it. You need to be true to yourself and your partner. You should be able to love and feel loved while embracing each other’s differences; be able to be yourself and let your partner be themselves, too. You should be able to listen and express to each other’s needs and feelings mentally and physically.
And remember, it’s okay to let a relationship go.
"Some teens don't realize that they're being abused. Some teens think that being controlling is a sign of love. The cycle of violence is powerful. It results in low esteem so it's easy to be controlled, and some teens can't tell what a healthy relationship is because they have no good examples."
-Staff attorney Tara Borelli of Break the Cycle, a Los Angeles organization dedicated to preventing dating violence.
Any relationship in which someone feels afraid or controlled has gone too far. Name-calling is too far.
There are many warning signs. Someone who is telling you what to do. Extremely jealous or possessive behavior. Isolation- pulling you away from friends or family. A history of violence where he abused other partners. Big mood swings.
Possibly, because abuse is a learned behavior, but it can be unlearned.
Keep important phone numbers with you at all times. Make a list of places to go to be safe. Keep extra money and clothes with someone close just in case. You can also get a restraining order from the police.
Forty percent of teen girls know someone that has been hurt by partners. One third of teen boys and girls are victims of abuse.
Guys get abused, too. It can be very difficult for guys to come forward. It happens to everyone, but 85 percent of the cases are men abusing women.
Get to a safe place such as a relative's house if you're in immediate danger. Police can help you get an emergency protective order, which will be in effect for a few days. Make a list of your options. Victims can call Break The Cycle (310) 286-3366 or (888) 988-TEEN, where lawyers can give options and advice to anyone from 12 to 22 years old.
Choose your answer.
[Yes] [No] Is your boyfriend extremely jealous or possessive? Does he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does he constantly check up on you or always make you check in with him?
[Yes] [No] Does he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear?
[Yes] [No] Does he try to control what you do and who you see? Does he try to keep you from seeing or talking to your family and friends?
[Yes] [No] Does he have big mood swings where one minute he is angry and yelling at you, and the next minute he is sweet and apologetic and says he can't live without you? Do you often feel like you're "walking on eggshells" around him?
[Yes] [No] Does he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can't do anything right or that no one else would want you?
[Yes] [No] Does he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you can't do anything right or that no one else would want you?
[Yes] [No] Does he yell, grab, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way?
[Yes] [No] Does he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about (like himself, your family, your friends or your pets)?
[Yes] [No] Does he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, your relationship may not be as healthy as you deserve.
Break the Cycle can help. (310) 286-3366 or (888) 988-TEEN or
help@break-the-cycle.org. For more information on how to stay safe while you're in an abusive relationship or leaving a relationship, see the Web site at
www.break-the-cycle.org.
Copyright Break the Cycle.
If you are thinking about having sex, it’s important to talk about it ahead of time. But that isn’t always easy. You may feel embarrassed or nervous. That’s totally normal. But don’t let those feelings keep you from talking about sex.
If you are able to talk things through ahead of time, you’re more likely to build the kind of relationship you really want. Here are just a few of the positives:
Think ahead of time about what you’d like to say. Be clear in your own mind what you’d like to say about sex.
Your partner may feel uneasy about talking about sex, STDs, or pregnancy. You can encourage your partner. Point out that being open about sex is one way to show one another how much you care about each other. Being safe when it comes to STDs and making sure a pregnancy can’t happen will only make having sex more enjoyable for both of you.
When you talk about what’s important to you, keep these tips in mind:
By asking questions and paying attention to your partner’s cues, you can have a successful conversation about sex. That way, you can have sex when it feels right to both of you. When you do have sex, you’ll be able to tell one another what feels good to you both. And both of you will be able to decide together how you will prevent STDs and pregnancy.
We recently talked with Dr. Brandi Beck from Children's Hospital in Los Angeles about an intimate partner abuse prevention curriculum created specifically for runaway and homeless youth. One unique aspect of this curriculum is that it was developed in collaboration with the homeless youth it is designed to serve. As Dr. Beck says, "We adapted some of the topics and activities from existing curricula; we pilot tested each session and integrated feedback from the co-facilitators and the youth themselves. What we've come up with is the fruit of listening to the stories of these youth and really paying attention to their needs and strengths."
Our program is unique because we've catered the curriculum to meet the needs of a very transient population. Each session of our curriculum is designed to stand alone, since the likelihood is that many youth won't be able to come to a second session. At the same time, each session can be attended again and again by the same youth without it becoming redundant or boring.
Most existing activities that we found focused on youth who are able to attend to an activity for a substantial period of time, which is not always the case with homeless and runaway youth. Our activities do not have a time guideline, which means that the facilitator is required to shorten or lengthen the activity in the moment. Initially it's a rather daunting challenge but with time, each of our facilitators has grown to appreciate the creativity this inspires.
We had another challenge when it came to creating a safe group setting. When youth are living on the streets, their sense of rules changes. There is a street justice that exists but it doesn't always appear as understandable rules to an outsider. With that in mind, we've invited each group to create their own group rules in the moment. In the two years we've been doing this, this works out great.
First, we've learned to introduce an activity and then let the youth teach us. We've learned to invite challenges instead of dread them because this population is courageous enough to challenge everything. We've learned to expect more from the youth than we initially thought. More specifically, we've learned that this population longs to be heard and to have a voice. If we give them an opportunity to speak, our activities are transformed.
Our biggest surprise had to do with the cycle of violence. At first we felt that we could not present an IPA curriculum without telling the youth about the cycle of violence. However, they struggled more with this concept than anything else.
After many discussions with the youth, we discovered that the struggle had to do with a sense of time. We were describing the cycle of violence as a cycle, meaning that one moved from one stage to the next. We found out that homeless and runaway youth threw out a sense of time when they entered the streets. The idea of stages was confusing to them. Once we opened up the idea to be something more fluid, the youth began to connect. They pointed out that often they could simultaneously exist in the Honeymoon and Abusive stages of the cycle.
The largest impact has been with providing the homeless and runaway youth of Hollywood with the language to talk about IPA. IPA has become part of their language, when before they would ignore the symptoms and signs of IPA. While they would report abuse, they had few tools to deal with it. There was confusion about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
A 20-year-old homeless youth from the East coast had traveled across country with his high school girlfriend of five years. By the end of the first session, it was apparent to the facilitators that he was being abused by his girlfriend.It was also apparent that this had never been acknowledged or addressed. At the beginning of the next session they attended, the facilitators announced that many IPA relationships can be hidden from the partners in the relationship. We then opened the discussion to how and why this is possible. During this group exploration, the 20-year-old began to see his relationship for what it was. He stayed alone after the session and asked for help in protecting himself against her. Luckily for him, he had the choice of going home and we were able to assist him in immediately returning home.In addition, we were able to encourage her to continue with the groups, which she did.
During one session, a known abuser came into the group. As the group came up with their group rules, one member indirectly challenged this specific youth for attending this group. The facilitators helped the group explore this and the decision was to ask this youth to leave until he was committed to changing his behavior. We explored how this made the other members feel once that youth left and all agreed that they felt empowered. The youth explained that they couldn't necessarily intervene with this youth on the streets because he is so aggressive. But it felt good to be able to challenge, confront and set limits with him in this setting.
Through stories like these and the evaluation forms that youth completed after each session, we have learned that curriculum resonates with these youth and meets an important need in the runaway and homeless youth community.
How to work with Runaway or Homeless Youth from the youth themselves:
For more information about this program, contact Brandi Beck at drbeck@earthlink.net or Arlene Schneir at aschneir@chla.usc.edu.
This engaging 20-page, full-color booklet looks at healthy relationships through the eyes of teenage women. Each section includes quizzes on subjects such as knowing yourself, beliefs and values, respect and disrespect, understanding real love, managing feelings, and making decisions. The booklet also provides information on staying safe, how to help others, and useful contacts. Great for classrooms and discussion groups. Available in English and Spanish.
The American Bar Association recently developed a helpful toolkit which includes fact sheets, ideas for teachers to incorporate Intimate Partner Abuse (IPA) prevention education in the classroom. Read the excellent editorial by Kathleen Mathis, President Elect of the American Bar Association and take a look at the useful PDF fact sheet on IPA.
The California Attorney General's Office as made a pamphlet on teen dating violence available online in PDF format. It's in English only. Check it out to see if it would work for your clients.
This excellent booklet for women of all ages and ethnicities is available in 5 languages -- English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese. Also available are wallet cards and posters you can use in your clinic. Sensitive and empowering, these materials will help women in abusive relationships get the help they need.
A pregnant woman needs to know how to keep safe if her partner is abusive. This 3-fold pamphlet encourages and supports her in her efforts to keep safe. Practical suggestions are offered. Available In English and Spanish.
Everyday Actions You Can Take to Prevent Violence in Neighborhoods, Schools, and Communities, a book written by Patricia Occhiuzzo Giggans and Barrie Levy in 1997 about how creating bonds within communities lowers violence.